Yesterday was a hard day to not have a clone. A double. A snazzy I need to be in 2 places at once machine.
Jayden our very brave five year old had surgery and I couldn’t be there.
He was in great hands with daddy, but that still doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m the type of mom that feels guilt if I am not with my kids and something happens. Good or Bad.
Oh a kid is picking on mine at school and she’s crying? MOM GUILT. (And rage but that’s a whole other topic!)
My child got an award at school but I didn’t get the phone call? MOM GUILT.
It’s who I am. I want to be there at all times and even though it isn’t realistic it’s still something that bugs me and I’m working on. I cry when my kids start the first day of school every year, get a report card and even when they accomplish little or big things. Crazy mom right here. But surgery? I wish I could be there.
Back when Ava was 2 she had surgery on her eyes. She was born with a lazy weak eye which also equals a bit of a cross eye. Jayden? Same thing.
After Ava’s surgery I did not want to put any child through that again. I said no way, if they want it they can do it when bigger. Why? Ava woke up after surgery and flipped out. FLIPPED OUT. Instead of a nurse or doctor getting a us they put her back under. Wish I was kidding. But, I’m not. So finally hours after her surgery we got to see her and to be honest and blunt – she looked dead laying there. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to see. For 2 days after she cried non stop and was in a lot of pain. So I was against any more eye surgery. My husband didn’t agree.
He is the one who has a lazy eye and wore bi-focals as a kid. They got this from him so he kind of knows what it’s like to deal with (or not) and decided Jayden needed the surgery.
So, here we are. They had to be at the hospital for 9am. His surgery was scheduled for 11a-1230pm but they took him in an hour early.
He did incredible and is doing wonderfully. He even facetimed with me from the recovery room. Where he had one of the most incredible nurses I’m told, which is AMAZING.
When he got home I was so relieved. I think he was too and was happy to see me!
He is feeling great, and is home with me today. So why do I still feel awful? I don’t know if this is typical mom behavior this feeling of guilt, I don’t have my mom to ask but it really truly is stressful not being there for your child. Instead I had to be home to get the other kids off to school, to be with Jackson and Justin (Justin who is still nursing and can’t be too far from me for long) and there’s no way I could have gone by myself with Jayden, I’m just too much of a dramatic mess to do that. I would have cried my eyes out and no one needs that, especially Jayden. So I sat home and made him things he requested like Blue and Green jello, Chocolate chunk cookies, Cupcakes and even a surprise little cake.
I think it’s time to realize it’s okay to NOT be at their side every time something happens. I’m NOT their only parent. How will they be independent, or learn how to cope with things on their own? Surgery is a big deal, but Daddy was with him so it’s not like he was left alone to be scared or anything.
This is more of a mom’s crazy guilt, attachment issue I think. After all when we did FaceTime the first thing he said to me? ” Mom I fell asleep on my own! ” referring to the fact they had to put him to sleep for the surgery. It wasn’t him screaming in pain, calling my name through a fit of tears. He was OK.
I’m just generally the one there for everything. An ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and a kiss when a booboo happens and is needed. I stick up for them and guide them when upset or in pain… But Daddy was there. So, I guess that’s an issue within me I have to deal with – I just need to figure out how!
Babies don’t stay babies for long, and they won’t need their mommy forever. Time I start to face the music before I really learn my lesson right?
How do you deal with mom guilt? or any kind of guilt?