I went back home on the train with my oldest and two youngest. We went back to visit an old family friend who was always like a mom to me and I felt like I was some place far away that I had never been to before, that was so unfamiliar and I just felt completely out of place.
I lived there for 25 years before moving to Toronto. So, how did I feel so out of place and strange? I haven’t been back in almost 5 years, and I had so many mixed feelings and emotions on the way there. The train took us by a few places that I used to live and I got emotional but once I stepped off that train it was like a whole other world that I didn’t belong in anymore.
Toronto is now my home. When we came home yesterday, I got off that train and stepped into the hundreds of people I instantly felt normal again. I felt whole and like I wasn’t about to have a panic attack. I felt like I was home. Finally, I’m home.
My visit with my mom’s best friend was lovely. We didn’t have a very long visit but the time we did I enjoyed. She got to see Jordan again, she had been very close with him prior to us moving (she even took us in to live with her after Jordan was born for a few months) and she got to meet Jackson and Justin for the first time as I took both of them with me so they could meet her.
It was a quick 24 hour trip, the train ride there is as awful. Poor Justin cried and screamed the whole way there, but the whole way home he slept in my arms while nursing on and off for 2.5 hours. It was bliss. I’m so glad I was able to go back to where I grew up, and was able to kind of close that chapter. I have always wondered if I made the right choice moving to the big city and now I am absolutely sure I did.
I have a new home now, and I’m beyond thrilled to be home.