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When Death Validates a Whole Childhood

deathvalidates

I promised myself I wasn’t going to write about this. However, I find writing things on here helps. If you were around here just a few weeks ago and read this post in regards to my biological father’s illness here is the follow up.

October 26th 2013 around 830p he passed away.

I had been waiting for the phone call or messages so I knew it was coming as I had mentioned my cousin (his sisters daughter) had contacted me and let me know he was in hospital and in the final stages.I’m not upset about it nor am I doing any type of mourning.

But, what is bothering me is the obituary. It’s one thing to grow up thinking you were unwanted and basically nothing to people who are your blood but to actually see it in writing – that’s a whole new level I’m not used to.

obit

As you can see everyone including the dogs were mentioned, but me. A few people I know commented on it and mentioned me and I was even shocked to see someone I don’t know mentioned me too… I however expected this.

After all, he had nothing to do with me the last 20+ years but it’s just a huge blow to see that. You never actually fully understand until you see something like this that yes, all these years you’ve felt the way you have is true. It’s all validated in that moment.

But — I am a grown woman. I have my own family I worship and adore so it’s fine, and I’m fine. It just stung a little and after sending my letter which I have confirmed was read to him during the night when no one else was around I’m free. He’s free. It’s time to close the book to this whole thing.

I’ve learned a lot through this whole ordeal. I’ve learned never to take my children for granted even when grown, I will always put them first because as a parent that is how it should be. I’ve also learned that you only live once and if you spend that whole time feeling consumed with guilt, the “what ifs” or even blaming yourself for the actions of someone else your life will be wasted and you will never be the person you want to be and should be.

I’ve decided to not sweat the small stuff, to only give people my time and attention if they show it to me, not allow my feelings of guilt or sadness consume me – I will enjoy the life I have chosen that I do cherish and live for. At the end of the day, you are who you chose to be. What consumes you – you allow! So why not do something about it and love freely!

Life is a whole lot better when happiness, love and warmth over power the rest.